The Friends Make Their Decision . . .

I've Got a Little List

I haven't given up, but if this doesn't win the Friends over . . .
Well . . . let's just hope it does.





If you need to see it with subtitles . . .

. . .

Filming and editing. Filming and editing . . .

. . .

Please hold.

What People are Saying: Part 2

I think I should be a Friend. But don't take my word for it. Just see what these other Washington celebs are saying about me. . .

"Sure, Curtis can be my friend. "

-- Fmr. Rep. Mark Foley



"Is she cute? Wait, he? What? "

-- Sen. David Vitter


"He's a Friend. I would take a bullet for him-- [response interrupted]"

-- Secret Service Agent #4, in response to the question "List your relationships to Agent #5, the President, and Curtis Raye."



"I've known Curtis my entire life, and I think you'd be foolish not to at least consider him for this position."

-- Curtis Raye


"Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!"

-- Bob "Javert" Schieffer

What People are Saying

I think I should be a Friend. But don't take my word for it. Just see what these other Washington celebs are saying about me. . .


"I fully endorse Kermit Faye. Wait was the name again?"

-- Sen. Byron Dorgan.

"Who?"

-- Manny Acta, Manager, Washington Nationals.


"Fine. Fine. I'll say it. Curtis should be a Friend. Now will you please get away from my urinal.

-- Hank Paulson

"The House has passed the Food, Conservation, and Energy Act,H.R. 6849, to amend the commodity provisions of the Food, Conservation, and Energy Act of 2008"

-- Unnamed House Clerk, clearly referring to me being a Friend.


"Get that microphone away from-- what the hell-- that's not even a mic. What is that? A Charleston Chew? Security!

-- Bob Schieffer

What's On Stage Today (Instead of Me)

Today, another day passes where the Kennedy Center is too busy to send me an acceptance or denial letter. I thought it'd be interesting to look at today's schedule and see what the Kennedy Center is doing instead. (My comments below each entry in italics)

• VSA arts presents: Green Light, a juried exhibition
  Hall of States - 10:00 AM

A juried exhibition on the same day OJ gets his verdict. Classy, Kennedy Center.

• Behind the Scenes: Mermaids, Monsters, and the World Painted Purple
  Family Theater - 11:00 AM

Listen, I like a good mermaid as much as the next person. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what's "behind the scenes." It's either a woman in a fish costume or a woman with fish business. Either way, I'm turned off.

• WPAS: New York Philharmonic
  Concert Hall - 4:00 PM

Come to DC so you can see the . . . New York Philharmonic?

• Millennium Stage: Christian Sands and Friends
  Millennium Stage - 6:00 PM

I've got no gripe with Sands. But his Friends? Those guys are trouble.

• Shear Madness
  Theater Lab - 6:00 PM

Their catchphrase is that their they're the longest running show in history. Clocking in at 5 hours and 21 minutes, I wouldn't argue.

• Broadway: Three Generations
  Eisenhower Theater - 7:30 PM

Behind every great Broadway performer is an overbearing mother and a drug-addicted teenage child. Now you can see them all in one place.

• Barbara Cook's Spotlight: "Quintessence: An Evening with Betty Buckley and Kenny Werner"
  Terrace Theater - 7:30 PM

Listen, Betty, buy me a drink first before you try to take me out for the evening. Zing! But seriously. Leave me alone, freak.

5769

It's Rosh Hashanah. L'Shana Tova Tikatevu. 

Or, as Friends of the Kennedy Center say. . . I don't know. They haven't gotten back to me. I don't know what they say.

Friendscript

Just learned that all Friends are given the opportunity to write for the Friends' newsletter, Friendscript.



This is great! Now they have to accept me. There's no way other Friends could out-publish me. Given the chance, I would be the Ben Bradlee of sub-300 circulation internal newsletters. I'd launch Watergate-style investigations into everything . . .

• Who stole the moo-shoo chicken from the Friends fridge? (answer: It was Mildred. Leaving behind pictures of her grandkids in the lettuce crisper totally gave it away.)
  

• Mere days after George Carlin was announced as the next recipient of the Mark Twain Prize for comedy, he died. Am I crying foulplay? No, but I just want to know where Mildred was that night. Don't you?

• Who's Mildred?
  

Jilted Lover

Still no call from the Friends office. The interview was 32 hours and 10 minutes ago. Why don't they just pick up the phone? Now I know how all the women who I promised to call the next day but never did must feel. Just kidding, I've never spoken to a girl before done that.

In an unrelated note, my backspace key seems to be simply crossing things out rather than deleting them. The Blogger equivalent of placing a phone on the receiver, calling somebody a worthless piece of trash, then realizing the phone did not disconnect. Again, my sincere apologies to that volunteer for the MDA Telethon.

Briefly, I'd like to recognize a fan out there who's helping my effort. Adam W.'s blog is called Life in a Splash Page. He recently used his blog to promote my effort. Thanks!

Which reminds me, that's another reason the Kennedy Center should make me a Friend. I have many supporters that I can mobilize in a grassroots effort. All told, there must be at least two people (damnit!) hundreds of people who would come to my side if I need them. This would come in handy should one the performers have particularly needy demands. For example, I hear Placido Domingo likes roasted pork and fluffernutter sandwiches before each performance. I doubt the KC has these readily available. But one e-mail to my list of supporters, and we could track one down and have it shipped overnight.

So what if Placido Domingo eats a few packing peanuts? Am I right?

Status: Post-Interview Post-Mortem

Well, that's done. It was a 4-person group interview conducted by an actual Friend of the Kennedy Center (and she was so rubbing it in our face, like when she asked "Do you have any questions about being a Friend?" We get it. You're a Friend and we're not.)

It was a very vague interview. The four of us walked out of there not knowing where we stood. The interviewer mentioned there will be an orientation for all the Friends applicants, but didn't say whether we were actually Friends. And I certainly don't feel like a Friend.

So I continue with this campaign. I now realize the Kennedy Center will protract this as long as possible. I guess it gets pretty boring over there, so they toy with my emotions instead. But this can't go on forever, and I'm forced to make a decision. I need to set a goal. Or an endgame.

And here it is: My definition of Friendship will be . . . do i get a Name badge. Until that badge is around my neck, I am not a Friend. [Being told "You are not a Friend" would also end this effort . . . probably]

Some things I learned at today's interview:

• It costs $17 to park at the Kennedy Center. If you're a Friend, it costs $2. If you take the Metro, you might touch a stranger's bum.
  
  
• One woman in the interview said she spoke French and German and the interviewer said that was a plus. Hearing this, I might have exaggerated my own linguistic skills. But I don't think it will be a problem unless somebody shows up who actually speaks Bandjalang. I also told them I could transmit Morse Code at 8 words a minute. You know, in case any tugboats wanted a tour.
  
  
• I probably didn't have to stay up late the past 3 weeks studying for this interview. The subject of "Sugar Plum Fairy Understudies" never came up.

Video 3: Curtis and the Grand Foyer

Another installment in the Curtis4Friend videos used to showcase my wealth of Kennedy Center knowledge combined with semi-pro tour-guiding abilities.

I'd also like to thank the Washington celebrity who took time out of his busy schedule to come and endorse my Friendacy.

Prep

Tomorrow is my interview. Meaning today is a day of prep. I will be at the Kennedy Center later today scouting things out. (Which means new videos are on the way) Will you be there as well? Stop by and say hello.

Reasons: Data Entry

Friends of the Kennedy Center have many different roles (data entry, working in the store, giving tours, etc...). Occasionally I'll document the reasons why I'd be suitable for a particular role.



Reasons I would make a good data entry volunteer:

• With one click in Microsoft Outlook, I can cancel Millennium Stage performances on Easter and Christmas. That would make everyone forced to work on those days happy. We Jews are the only ones who show up anyway, but there's only so many annual performances of the All-Star Christmas Day Jazz Jam we can watch before we start to complain that the seats are uncomfortable.

• Aren't you sick and tired of elderly volunteers named Herb accidentally sending mass e-mails about their granddaughter's 3rd grade play? (Those of you who aren't, search this blog for the word "perverts." You'll see you're not welcome here.)

• Will I download porn on the Kennedy Center computers? No. Will I upload pictures of myself wearing the usher's red jackets with nothing on underneath? . . . Ask again later.
  

Sizing up the Competition: Part III

"Ask not what the Kennedy Center can do for you, ask what you can do for the Kennedy Center."
- Bill Turner, Saturday Tour Guide since 1988

Plagiarism. Great. Keep that one in my back pocket in case Turner tries to challenge my Friend candidacy (my Friendacy). Or if he decides to run for President.

The Perks

From the Kennedy Center website, here are some of the perks of being a Friend. Perks are in bold. My commentary below each one.

• Occasional ticket discounts and complementary ticket offers

Occasional sounds rather vague, no? I'm not a dictionary, but I'm pretty sure they're defining occasional as "Such events that we can't sell out but are being filmed for PBS, so we need seat-fillers."

• 30% discount at the KC Café

Oh good. Now my garden salad will only cost $28.

• 25% discount on all purchases in the Kennedy Center Gift Shops

Oh good. Now my autographed garden salad will only cost $28.

• Use of the Kennedy Center employee canteen which offers a salad and sandwich bar, as well as reasonably-priced entrees

Canteen? What are we at summer camp? (Although that would explain why Marvin Hamlisch keeps asking if I want to see his paddle boat.)

• $2.00 parking rate when volunteering or attending a performance at the Kennedy Center.

At the Open House, I learned the Kennedy Center is going green. They're all about recycling now. So, sure, they give you $2 off. But once you walk inside, you feel guilty for driving anything that gets less than 120 mpg. That's how they get ya.

• A subscription to FriendScript, our monthly newsletter

You mean the newsletter than contains all the important information about how to perform my job? I get a copy of that? Thanks. Must be hard being so generous considering there's no way you'll ever be named a Saint. (You think the Pope would bless a place that sings tunes from Jesus Christ, Superstar?)

Sizing up the Competition: Part II

Here's a testimonial from a real live Friend of the Kennedy Center, from the KC Website:

"As a couple recently moved to the Northern Virginia area, we were looking for an opportunity to volunteer in a community-oriented organization. We have always been so proud of our nation's center for the performing arts; and when we discovered that it was possible to become a Friends volunteer, we jumped at the chance! Thanks so much for having us!"
- Roy and Lynn O'Connor


Take a second look. Do you really think Roy and Lynn jumped at the chance? I'm sure they're a lovely couple, but all I'm saying is I didn't know we could lie on our application. If this delightful (but senior) couple jumped at the chance, then I did a triple lutz, stuck the landing, and then scored a perfect 10 on the floor routine (while still wearing the ice skates).

Are we allowed to lie on our tours too? Slippery slope, my friends. Slippery slope indeed.

Status: Interview Time

Received a call from the head of the Friends yesterday. I was tied up and she had to leave a voicemail. Click play to listen to it.


[Thanks to FreeVideoCoding.com]

I returned her call but it went to her voicemail. Guess I'll try again later.

Are there any professional voice analysts out there? By the tone of her voice, do you think I've got a good shot going into this interview? Personally, I think she sounded a bit distracted, like she was playing Minesweeper.


[update, 2:12pm: Received a call from the Kennedy Center. Interview is set for Wednesday, September 24, 6pm. This gives me one more week to make my case on this website before I have to do it in person. Stay tuned . . .]

Arlo

On Thursday, Arlo Guthrie is at the Kennedy Center. According to the KC website, tickets are still available.

This is another reason why I'd make a great Friend. I can sell those tickets. Ticket sales is what sustains the Kennedy Center (also massive donations from Lord and Madame Anonymous, but who's counting?). I can put pleats in the seats, and here's how I'd do it . . .

• Promising an appearance by Woody Guthrie, even if it was just Arlo in a wig.

• "Here's the deal, Arlo. Everyone loves a good protest song. I, myself, will sometimes strip to my boxers and dance to When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again. However, pretty much everyone in the orchestra seats benefits from the Bush tax cuts. So, perhaps we could tone down the anti-war stuff just a bit. Do you know any Raffi?"

• If he insists on playing Alice's Restaurant, have him start about 30 minutes before people arrive. That way they'll only have sit through the last 25 minutes.
  

• Encouraging guests to come dressed as Arlo or Woody for "Guthrie look-alike night" We'd even bring our own look-alikes, such as . . .

Bruce Vilanch




This Guy I Found Online


Young Arlo Guthrie from the cover of his CD




Woody from Toy Story

Friends Demographics

The Kennedy Center has released the following chart detailing the types of degrees held by their Friends.


What can we learn from this?

• 1 out of every 100 Friends has an "Other" degree. Other? What are you hiding Kennedy Center? "Other" obviously means either no high school or a degree more advanced than PhD. We can conclude one of two things . . .

1) The Kennedy Center is forcing elementary school children into Friends servitude, or

2) The Kennedy Center is kidnapping uber-smart Belarussian nuclear physicists and forcing them to sell Lion King beach towels in the gift shop.

• You'll notice that High School and PhD are very similar colors. This is meant to confuse you. It's as if the Center is trying to hide the fact they have Friends without college degrees. Apparently they don't respect you if you skipped college and went straight to work. They're anti vocation. Can I ethically volunteer in place that doesn't respect a good trade? (answer: yes! Pick me. Pick me.)

• Master's Degree color: Majestic purple. College degree color: Booger green. Elitist anyone?

Day off

No new blog post today in order to assess the results of yesterday's Open House. My first impression was to say that if any any of these people think they'll be a better Friend than me, well that's hogwash. However, perhaps they deliberately didn't bring their A-Game. A decoy. You have to watch out for that, you know.

Open House

Photos from the Open House. . . I'll add them as the day progresses.



Update: What a day! What a day. Each member of the stage crew was assigned to a specific stage. Throughout the day, I monitored the Terrace Theatre.

My assignment was to bring instruments from the loading dock to the theatre. That wasn't too hard considering the act was solo and played . . .the ukulele.

This allowed me lots of free time to wander and explore the building. While I can hopefully become a Friend based on my own merits, if I have to resort to my now-detailed knowledge of the building's schematics . . . so be it.

Status: Open House

Tomorrow is the Open House. My first chance to make a first impression.

My assignment: Stage Crew.

It'll be hard to prove myself when I'm lugging tubas underneath the Kennedy Center, but I'll make do. Plus, I'll get a good grasp on the schematics of the building. That might come up in my interview, right?

Stay tuned to this page for photos and reactions.

Covert ops

Yesterday, everybody volunteering for this Saturday's Open House had to attend both a tour and an orientation. This Open House is an opportunity for potential Friends (like me) to show they have the Wright Stuff. (named for Frank Lloyd Wright, because we're classy)

I had my cell phone cam so I could report back to you. . .


Here are some of the other Open House volunteers. Keep in mind, not all Open House volunteers take the extra step to try and become year-round Friend volunteers. However, I hope this guy on the right is trying to become a Friend. Because I can soooo take him.


Here's the rest of the people on my tour. As you can see, thanks to my presence, the average age was only 84.


By the by, here's my tour guide. She's already a Friend. It's relevant to note that my cell phone is not the reason this is blurry. She was just speaking way too fast. Amateur.

Reasons: Stage Crew

Friends of the Kennedy Center have many different roles (data entry, working in the store, giving tours, etc...). Occasionally I'll document the reasons why I'd be suitable for a particular role.

Reasons I would make a good Stage Crew worker:

• I'm always a gentleman to the performers. Such as, "Listen Mr. Ma, or can I call you Yo-Yo? Where do you want this fiddle?
  

• I look great in all black. I mean . . . really great. No, no, you don't get it. Reallly great.
  

• I can be discreet. If Marvin Hamlisch wants a Playboy hidden under his score, no problem. If Wynton Marsalis wants a stick of butter inside the horn of his trumpet, "for snacking", I'll do it, no questions asked. If Julie Andrews likes the stage crew to dress up like Catholic schoolboys and quote lines from Anchorman, . . . well, ok, that would go on the blog.
  

Kennedy Center Honors

Yesterday, the Kennedy Center announced who they'll be honoring with the Kennedy Center Honors.

Several of the nominees portend good things for me.

For example, Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend of the legendary band The Who.

This gives me a great opening line for my interview.

Me: You have to make me a Friend. I'm Curtis Raye.
Interview: Who?
Me: Yes, good for them.
Interview: What?
Me: The Who
Interview: That's what I asked you. Who?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: What?
Me: The Who.
Interviewer: I don't know.
Me: Third base!
Interview: Please leave.

Status: Callbacks

Not enough time to watch yesterday's video? Here's the short version.

The Kennedy Center invited me in for an interview. I have to respond by telling them what dates I'm available. They are conducting interviews from September 17 - September 28.

Basically, it's a callback. In my life, I've had decent success at callbacks. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants, a little paper towel to clean up said seltzer, followed by apologies.

The last time I nailed a callback, I wound up in Cheaper By the Dozen. Here's a photo.


I'm the red-headed girl on the right. How's that for acting?

I figure I should stick with what works. So, for my Kennedy Center interview, I'll be singing "Luck be a Lady" and dancing the Charleston. I just can't decide if I should wait for them to ask a question or not.

Status Vlog 1

Received some mail from the Kennedy Center. Thought we could open it together . . .

History Lesson

Any good Kennedy Center Friend knows the history of the volunteer program. Who started it? When? Why? And what did that person like to eat for breakfast.

I, being a great candidate for Friend, know the history and would like to tell you just a bit about one of the program's founders.





Geri Lewis

Geri Lewis was born and raised in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin and attended the University of Wisconsin - Madison where she studied speech and drama. She married Gilbert Lewis in 1955, and moved to Washington, DC and now has three children and four grandchildren.

Geri was originally a member of the Service Guild of Washington, DC which provided twelve volunteers to the Kennedy Center during the Center's construction.

Now, for some, that would be enough information. And by "some" I mean horribly inadequate candidates for Friend. I, on the other hand, dig deeper. I want to know every last detail about her. After all, she leads the most prestigious corps of volunteers in the world. Well, here's a fact that you won't find on the Kennedy Center website. Before Geri Lewis became a hero to us all, she had quite a career in secretarial work. Check this out!

Reasons: Concessions

Friends of the Kennedy Center have many different roles (data entry, working in the store, giving tours, etc...). Occasionally I'll document the reasons why I'd be suitable for a particular role.

Reasons I would make a good Concessions worker:

• "Ma'am, you just paid $100 for a ticket to see some jazz saxophonist you never heard of. I think you can shell out $20 for a collectible postcard. Fork it over."
  

• "Hey, lil' kid, this isn't Maggie Moo's. No sampling the music. Buy it. Listen to it. Then return it. This is America. That's how it's done."
  

• Auctioning off celebrity clothing is a profitable venture. When Cameron Diaz was at the Kennedy Center last year, the other Friends clearly didn't love the Kennedy Center enough to ask, but I would not have been afraid to take the shirt right off her back.

Cross Promotion

A sign of a good Kennedy Center Friend isn't whether you can smile when some old lady asks you where the Opera House is. It's marketing. Marketing, marketing, marketing.

Here are some of my golden ideas. These ones are free. For more, you'll have to accept my application. Let's see Irving Kelly come up with these gems.

• A concert where Copland's Third Symphony is sung by I Fagiolini and the Blind Boys of Alabama. We could advertise it as Third I Blind.

• A joint performance by Marvin Hamlisch and the Suspicious Cheese Lords. "Come enjoy Ham and Cheese!"

• People might not see Allen Toussaint or Sondheim's Company. But Touss's Company might confuse them just enough to show up expecting some sort of John Ritter tribute.

• We'd be foolish not to capitalize on the controversy created by the Chinese Olympic women's gymnastics team. People would flock to hear the songs of The Sound of Music belted out by the cast of Legally Blonde the Musical. We'd call it "I am 16, Legally." (note: this would also keep away perverts, who tend to lack proper decorum anyhow.)
  

Video 2: Curtis and the Lion King

I enjoy telling you what a great tour guide I'd be. But don't just take my word for it. Take my visual evidence as well.

Sizing up the Competition

Here's a testimonial from a real live Friend of the Kennedy Center, from the KC Website:


"I cannot dance, they won't let me sing, and I don't play an instrument, but I do love the performing arts and thus my reason for becoming a volunteer."
- Irving Kelly, 2007


Hey, Kennedy Center. There's a word for people like Irving. Dead weight. I can dance. People beg me to sing. And I play the hoseaphone, kazoo, and Jew's harp like there's no tomorrow. (note: It's actually a regular harp, but I limit myself to Itzhak Perlman tunes and must rest every 7th measure.)

Point being, if Irving gets to be a Friend, I should be too. I even own a bow tie. Mine doesn't look like it came free in a pack of Skittles^®, but we can't all be Irving Kelly.

Hopefully, you come to your senses, dump Irving, and bring me on in his place. Or even keep us both, if that's your prerogative.

Special Note: If Irving is on the selection committee, well, then a hearty jk in your direction, pal. Irv, buddy? You still reading?

Reasons: Visitor Center staffer

Friends of the Kennedy Center have many different roles (data entry, working in the store, giving tours, etc...). Occasionally I'll document the reasons why I'd be suitable for a particular role.

Reasons I would make a good Visitors Center information specialist:

• I don't know where the bathrooms are, but I can say Mikhail Baryshnikov without spitting on you. So, take your pick.
  
  
• Would politely suggest to people who lack imagination (I can tell by looking) to avoid Shear Madness. It's improv, people, we need good ideas shouted out.
  
  
• For the same reason, would politely suggest people with Tourette's Syndrome avoid Shear Madness.
  
  
• I can call our performances "off-off Broadway" with a straight face. And if the volunteers ever got paid, I'd even go "off-Broadway."
  

Reasons: Tour Guide

Friends of the Kennedy Center have many different roles (data entry, working in the store, giving tours, etc...). Occasionally I'll document the reasons why I'd be suitable for a particular role.

Reasons I would make a good Kennedy Center Tour Guide:

• I can say "Kennedy" in 6 different languages. None of which are German.
  
  
• For tourists with difficulty walking, I have no problem taking evasive action and leaving them behind, thus making the rest of the group happy.
  
  
• I can spot a hair piece from 65 feet and would know automatically to take those folks on the roof to test the toupee's wind durability. Also would bring camera.
  

Status: Application submitted

Status update: Submitted my application last week. Kennedy Center acknowledged they received it. Invited me to volunteer at their Open House on September 13. Did not say state whether this was required to become a Friend. Kind of feel like they're using me. Which is fine with me.

Introduction